- Lori Wheeler was convicted of killing nine hitchhikers in New Mexico, but they missed the ones she did when she escaped from Death Row.
- Bartalone isn't yelling at you because he's angry.
- Bartalone is yelling at you because he's really angry and he's going to rip your freaking head off. Soon.
- Marshall retired because the sight of small colored wooden blocks made him cry himself to sleep at night. Pussy.
- Ecton used to be belligerent, but The Man beat him down.
- Mauris doesn't really wear a black uniform with silver lightning collar tabs. It was just a Halloween thing. Really.
- "Buz Eddy" is a pseudonym for a head preserved in a jar at the MIT Mathematics Department.
- Jeff Ladd has no nipples. Oddly enough, Tim Richardson has six.
- Evers and Kulander didn’t really move away. Mauris killed them and flushed their dismembered bodies down hotel toilets.
- Rich O’Brien is a distant nephew of Ho Chi Minh.
- David Maletsky is totally gay for Martin St. Louis.
- The Geneva Convention and the Secret Protocols of the Elders of Zion both hold that deploying Ed Prem to an armed conflict is unfair to the other side.
- Fortunately for the U.S.A., the Geneva Convention and the Elders of Zion didn’t know about Mauris, McMillie, and Lee.
- Your fly is down.
- Heh. Made you look.
- Scott Shorter is pretty tall, for a hobbit.
- Slothie actually has a very high metabolism.
- We just let Lee have that Golden Blade because he needed a nickname.
- Doug Moore is really, really fat. He just dresses to hide it.
- Squeaky only fucks Marshall because she can’t handle a real man.
- Ecton can't dance.
- Bartalone won a Nobel Prize in medicine for proving that squid speak Italian.
- Graham Woodring secretly wishes more people would call him “Conrad.”
- Ike made the cover of Obscure Sports Quarterly as the world champion of bong spelunking.
- Dave Maletsky paid a legal judgment of over 6 million dollars for defaming Betty Crocker.
- Squeaky actually is a witch. Look, she just turned you into a newt. And no, you’re not getting better.
- Desper can hold perfectly still. He's just screwing with you.
- Mike Hall isn’t really in the Canadian Navy. There IS no Canadian Navy, doofus.
- Always underestimate Roy Rink.
- Yes, Chris Martin is a charming dance instructor with fashion sense. Wanna make something of it?
- A double secret charter amendment states that Adam Sigal has the cutest ass in the club.
- Steve Emmert is secretly the head of the Trilateral Commission, but the Illuminati got really sick of mint juleps, so he’s not as connected as he used to be.
- Smacko is over 600 years old.
- John Dvorak is computer-illiterate.
- Brian Shelden once killed a man in Oolawoongamambagong, just to watch him die.
- Richardson accidentally voted for Bill Clinton in 1996. He meant to vote for Charlie Manson, but the Virginia ballot was kinda effed up that year.
- Ike actually IS Captain Morgan, but he got really sick of people mocking the uniform.
- Okay, fine, Chris Martin can’t dance either.
Bonus: PTKS Name Anagrams
- Andy Bartalone: Adrenal Ant Boy
- Rick Desper: Deers Prick
- Brian Ecton: I Rent Bacon
- Dave Maletsky: Lamed Yak Vest
- Andy Marshall: Lard Hymn, Alas
- Lisa Marshall: Lash Sir Llama
- Chris Martin: Rich Arm Snit
- Steve Mauris: Mate Viruses
- Mike McMillie: Mice Kill Mime
- Doug Moore: Doom Rogue
- Ike Porter: Pee Irk Rot
- Tim Richardson: Sort Him Rancid; Martinis Chord
- Brian Shelden: Banned Relish
- Lori Wheeler: We Holler Ire
- Sloth Wheeler: Eh, Whore Tells